At any rate, today would have been my beloved grandmother’s 103rd
birthday. This is my second birthday
without her, and I’m feeling the loss more than ever. I miss sharing our two-day celebration. It’s just not the same. I keep looking at the phone, feeling like I
should be dialing her number and hearing her sweet voice. With me in Georgia and her in North Carolina,
our almost-shared birthdays often passed with us together in spirit rather than
in person. But it was still special to
know our days were right next to each other.
I feel lonesome having my birthday all to myself now. It’s just not the same without Grandmom, even
though we often spent our birthdays apart.
I guess it was enough knowing she was here on this earth with me still,
thinking about me as I was thinking about her.
Knowing I could call and wish her a happy birthday meant more to me than
I realized.
I know she’s somewhere better now, out of the tremendous pain that
comes with a failing century-old body.
She’s removed from the awful loneliness that comes when a person has
outlived her husband and all her friends and siblings. I’m not sorry for her at all, because I have
hope that she’s surrounded by those who loved her best once more. I’m sorry for me because there’s a big hole
in my life where she was for 45 years. I’m
selfish that way ... I still want my grandmom who loved me unconditionally. I want my birthday buddy, because it feels so
wrong to celebrate another year without her.
Yet I will, because it’s what she would have wanted. If I could hear her, she would remind me of
my beautiful son and how much he adds to my life. She would tell me that I deserve to be
happy. She would chastise me in her
gentle way (which never felt like chastisement) that she was just one ‘poor
little country girl’, not worth getting so emotional over. Of course, I would beg to differ on that
account. My grandmom was an amazing
woman, and the world is much less bright without her beautiful presence in it.
And so I say, happy birthday, Grandmom.
I’m still sharing it with you in my heart.
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