Let me repeat: I have the house to myself for most of the day.
It’s quiet. The heater hums along because we have a taste of cold for a change here in Hell’s first circle, aka Georgia. My clock ticks. My fingers tap the keyboard. But otherwise, it is silent. No television. No one watching YouTube. No toys crashing.
No one is asking for a snack or wanting to know what’s for lunch or sharing the latest bit that shows up on a Facebook newsfeed. There are no distractions. No responsibilities. Nothing but me.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Myriad options pop into my befuddled brain. I could catch up on cleaning with no one underfoot to undo it within seconds. I could work with no interruptions. I could read a book. I could work on art. I could dance around for no reason at all. I could be productive or silly. The options are endless.
Which is why I’m utterly frozen in place. I don’t do well with too many choices. What if I make the wrong one? What if I fritter away this amazing occurrence on something I thought would be a good use of my time only to discover I should have done this other thing? Here is an opportunity to indulge me, and I don’t know how to!
Oh, the inhumanity of such a gift. Me time. Me, me, me. I can do anything I want, but I don’t know which anything to choose. I’m starting to panic because if I don’t pick I’ll end up losing hours to the internet or the television. No! This moment is golden! I must take advantage of it!
I’m trying to remember if it was like this back when I was single and didn’t have to make anybody happy but me. Maybe since there was no seeming end to the days of selfishness, I dealt with it better. I could lose a day to stupidity and not care because tomorrow was there waiting in the wings. Glorious time to waste, time to be foolish, time to while away with nothing in particular.
These days I am relentlessly productive. With fans begging for the next book, I churn away at my desk. With a husband, I must devote quality time to him. I am at Kiddo’s beck and call. I don’t have much time to stop and think about what I’d like to do.
Whatever it is I choose to spend this block of hours on, I will do my best to treasure it. Heaven only knows when I’ll get to think about me and me alone again. Hopefully, my head won’t explode at the wonder of it all.